Flirtasaurus, an all-new quirky and fun, laugh-out-out romantic comedy from debut author Erin Mallon is available now!
My name is Calliope and "I bone for a living." Kidding. I am studying to be a paleontologist though. It's the only thing I've ever wanted to be, and I have finally landed the perfect museum internship to make all of my dino-loving dreams come true.
Trouble is, everyone wants me to be a gentle, loving sort of creature, but I'm more of the T-Rex type by nature - the kind who is determined to stomp and tear her way through any obstacle in order to get what she wants.
But when a sexy, rumbly-voiced astronomer plummets into my orbit and threatens to break open my hard little heart, my career and my whole way of looking at the world is suddenly on the line.
The dinosaurs didn't see their asteroid coming.
And I sure as hell wasn't prepared for mine.
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Excerpt:
“I literally have no idea what you’re—”
“Your asteroid friends killed my dinos!” I say with a bit too much force, I’m guessing. Yup, my buzz can now officially be promoted to drunk.
“Ohhhhhhhhhh. Okay. Yeah, I guess that’s… Wait. You’re mad at me for that?”
“Maybe.”
“Huh.”
He takes a moment to consider his response. And then he shocks the hell out of me.
“What else can I say to you then, other than… I am incredibly sorry, Calliope?”
“You’re what?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t think a guy has ever said that to me before.”
“What. That he’s sorry?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
“It’s pretty… um. Well, it’s… it’s kind of. It’s really sexy behavior.”
“Oh. Well, in that case… let me take it a step further then. I, Ralph Anderson, take full and complete responsibility for the death of your dinos.”
“Shut up, dude,” I say, laughing.
“No, no, really! Had I known that a massive asteroid would strike this planet and wipe out the creatures you so dearly love, and if I had the power to go back in time and stop it… I would.”
“Well, how in the hell would you have done that? That’s impossible. That’s—”
“Hey, Callie?”
“Yeah?”
“Go with me here, will ya? I’m letting myself be unscientific and non-literal for just a minute.”
“You called me Callie.”
“I did. Is… that okay?”
“Nobody really calls me that. But, yeah. It’s okay.”
“Cool,” he says with a smile. “So, Callie. I guess what I would have to do… You know, after I time traveled back a few millennia—”
“A few?”
“Alright, more than a few. I’d have to invent a rocket since they wouldn’t be invented just yet, shoot myself up to the heavens, then circle the Earth’s atmosphere until I could hitch a ride on that bastard ball of flaming rock dead set for your dinos. I would latch onto it with my brute strength and push that mammoth motherfucker off course until it found some other planet and some other life form to obliterate. Then I’d fall back to Earth like a feather, land back on a cozy couch with you and our pet, Troodon, since Troodon is obviously and by far the most precious dinosaur to ever walk the planet, and we’d watch Friends, drink Yoo-hoo, and laugh our asses off together until the day we died a peaceful non-apocalyptic death.”
This. Guy.
“Uggadah-uggadah. Woo!”
“What was that? Did you just do a little jig?”
“Of course not. I just had a-a, uh…. a charley horse situation.”
“Really? I thought those only happened when people were sleeping.”
“Oh no, they can happen anytime.”
“Huh.”
Truth? I was so turned on by him at that moment, I did a lusty little leg shake to get those warm and fuzzy feelings moving right back where they came from.
Full disclosure?
It didn’t work.
Review:
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars
Honestly, when I started writing this review, I had no idea how deep my feelings run for it. The first 50% of the book gets 4 stars, and the second half of the book is worthy of only one star. The average is 2.5 and I am rounding it up for Amazon and Goodreads because this is the author's debut novel.
When I pick a book with the name " Flirtasaurus" I expect it to have clever and quirky humor and not the average crude humor some contemporary books have. I got the quirky part right but the comedic part felt cruder than anything else. After a certain point, this book became an eternal source of cringe for me. The book could have gotten a favorable rating from me but the shroom stuff came up and after that, it was a disaster.
Which brings me to problem number #2. Consent. Ralph of Calliope's first time happened after she drunk from a thermos full of liquid from magic shrooms and it made me worry about the kind of person Ralph is if he was willing to sleep with someone for the first time while she was under the influence of drugs. I mean she thought a dinosaur winked at her, I am still not sure about her state of mind. Did I mention that they did it in the museum where both of them work?
Aaand speaking about the museum and their work, I got tired of the wannabe "support women" trend in this book. Calliope was out of place so many times that if she were a person in real life, she would have been fired at least twice. Then there was the supervisor who considered it fair to fire a man because he broke the rules, but she didn't fire the woman because there are not many women on their field. There was no turning back for me after that.
There is one final thing that bugged me and if it wasn't for Ralph mentioning it, I wouldn't have realized it. Calliope is too self-centered and thinks that she is above other people. He doesn't say it like that exactly, but that's the general meaning of it.
Will I read the second book in the series? Yes. Mabel will be the heroine and I really loved her in this one, so I have high hopes for her. Also, this is the author's debut novel and a second chance is a must.
Meet Erin
Erin Mallon's debut romantic comedy novel, Flirtasaurus, releases in July 2020. She is an award-winning narrator of over 450 books and an accomplished playwright and producer in New York City. She has written over 40 plays, which have been produced Off-Broadway and all over the country, including These Walls Can Talk, a raucous theatrical love letter to the romance audiobook community. She lives in a little yellow house on the outskirts of NYC with her husband and Three J's.
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